Israeli Pride

As it stands, the average English male’s favourite country besides his own will be Israel, after they beat Russia in stunning fashion earlier on tonight to do us Brit’s a solid in the European Championship qualifying campaign (For you yanks, we’re talking about proper football, not this arrogant mockery of rugby where you wear 10 inches of padding and celebrate each tackle).

It was a bit strange supporting Israel and at the same time not knowing who the effing hell any of them were, but buggering hell, as long as they beat Russia, they could have been 11 rapist paedophiles out on the pitch and I’d still cheer them on like they were ‘my lads’.

So, all we have to do is draw with a team we’re better than in our own backyard midweek to qualify. Sounds easy, but you just know we’ll be a goal down to Slaven Bilic’s Croatian Army within minutes and we’ll be scrambling about like retards with rubber legs trying to stand up and secure a victory

On the England front, yes, we did beat Austria in a meaningless friendly, but more importantly, something brilliant happened for my club, Newcastle United. Our worst thief of a player, who still consistently gets picked, Michael Owen, is injured. Hallelujah!!!!! We don’t have to see his ugly mug for a few weeks, and maybe our manager will put on the better striker in Obafemi Martins instead. I mean, bloody hell, if we can’t beat our main rivals and purveyors of utter tosh football, Sunderland, then we may aswell just not bother.

What happened to Scotland was pretty harsh, but also a incy wincy bit funny. I mean come on, they have their own destiny in their hands, to win at home against their main rivals for a qualifying spot, and they go a fudge it up in the last minute of play by not bothering to mark the World Champions in the box because they were still sulking about having a decision given against them. Och yes, it was a poor decision, but och no, they can’t blame the ref for their loss.

I actually wanted them to qualify….but only if we did. If England were dumped out by a Russian win tonight and Scotland triumphed I would NOT be pleased. I’m not having some scruffy red-nosed berk telling me that their nation is better than mine at our own game. They couldn’t even get over Hadrian’s Wall for christ sake - and that’s only about 5 foot tall.

In celebration of our ‘triumph-without-doing-bot-all’, here’s some good old English boom-bap from back in the day, links courtesy of an actual right proper hard man called Adam Ross. He killed a guy with a spoon once you know. Ate his face like a strawberry sundae.

Katch 22 - Diary Of A Black Man Living In The Land Of The Lost (1991)

1. Ghetto Child
2. Katch Mission
3. Cynical World
4. Service With A Smile
5. Son Of Shem
6. Mind Field
7. Diary Of A Black Man Living In The Land Of The Lost
8. State Of Meditation
9. Who’s Business
10. Stalag 22
11. Rogues Gallery
12. Brown Clown
13. Get Together Now

Faze One - Heroes (1987)

1. Jump On The Jock
2. Get Buzy
3. Shango-Tac
4. Mellow Down
5. Pleasure Seekers
6. The Only Thing I Need
7. Kick Up (Something Fatter)
8. Dutch Cheese
9. Good Friends
10. Here To Win
11. Money Eater
12. Question Mark

Caveman - Positive Reaction (1991) - (Writer’s Tip: This one is a classic!)

1. Troglodyte History
2. Victory (Remix)
3. Positive Reaction
4. Cool (Cos I Don’t Get Upset)
5. Pages & Pages
6. Fry You Like Fish (Jazz Remix)
7. I’m Ready
8. Caught Up
9. You Can’t Take It
10. Desmond
11. The Dope Department
12. Back To Cause Mayhem
13. Victory
14. Introduction To A Caveman

Sindecut - Changing The Scenery (1990)

1. Demanding Cycle - Of A Word Bound Hammerhead
2. Having
3. Live The Life
4. Won’t Cahnge
5. Too Rough
6. Passtime
7. Braincell
8. Tell Me Why
9. Slow Down
10. Crack Business
11. To The Heart
12. Wisdom

Get downloading or I’ll go all Prodigy on you and ‘stab your brain with your nosebone’, which may I say is grammatically incorrect and very uncouth to say the least.